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December 23, 2015

How To Explain Santa Claus To Your Kids Without Ruining The Magic

If you’ve got nosey kids, they’re probably going to have a lot of questions about Santa Claus. But you don’t want to ruin the surprise just yet — they’re still young. You’d rather they found out about Santa Claus the old fashioned way: loud-mouthed classmates with miserable parents.

So here are a few questions you’re probably going to get regarding Santa Claus, and here’s how to respond:

 

How does Santa make all those toys?

Well, Santa gets help from his magical elves, who are the quickest workers in the land. And he’s able to meet his overhead costs very easily because that’s what happens when you use a lot of free, unpaid labor with no government oversight or validation by human rights groups.

 

What do the elves do the rest of the year when they’re not making toys?

No one really knows! Some say they vanish into a burst of sparkling magic, off to the land of the elves until they’re called upon again by their friend Santa Claus! But probably, they’re kept on the premises, surrounded by a cold, snowy hellscape. Even if they wanted to leave, they wouldn’t get far. Santa’s workshop? More like work camp. No, the workshop at the North Pole is a prison. And Kris Kringle is their warden. 

 

How does Santa deliver gifts to all the world’s children in a single night?

Well, Santa is pulled by eight flying reindeer, led by the famous Rudolph, with his red glowing nose so bright! They’re the fastest flyers in the world! And they maintain that top speed all night long, without complaint, despite hauling the load of an ever-fattening master and his highly irresponsible milk-and-cookie-fueled obesity. 

 

How does he really know if we’ve been naughty or nice?

When I was young, your grandma and grandpa told me that Santa can look into a person’s heart, truly seeing the scope of a child’s deeds. As I grew older though, it became apparent that Santa was using some sort of Elven surveillance technology, perhaps remnants of a fascist regime from his Elven homeland.

 

How does Santa get in and out of our house?

I like to imagine that jolly old guy glittering in through the chimney, maybe at the thumbing of his winter-reddened nose or the soft stroke of his glacier-white whiskers. But that’s simply to mask the reality, which is Santa’s knowledge of locks and their weaknesses, accrued from a lifetime of imprisoning an entire population of elves and maybe even serving jail time in his formative years.

  

Why do they call him Santa Claus?

Santa has gone under many names over the years, but delivers gifts to the children of the world under them all! St. Nicholas was known to the Dutch as “Sinterklaas,” which was eventually translated in America to Santa Claus.

That’s what the historians will tell you. But that’s because it’s not quite as respectable to have one of the world’s most beloved figures come out of the Santa Fe prison system, known for growing his finger nails long, hardening them with oil, and using them to scratch out the eyes of inmates who had wronged him. “Santa Fe Claws,” that’s what they called him. And over the years that name has softened to Santa Claus.

 Why do we leave him milk and cookies?

Well, it’s a long journey, from one end of the planet to the other. A man’s got to eat, right? No, the reality is, it’s more of a protective measure than anything. Santa developed quite a meth problem while incarcerated, often going long periods of time where he sustained himself on candy bars and sweetened coffee creamers. We leave milk and cookies out not so that Santa’s stomach is satiated, but rather, his mind.

Sure, we could leave him nothing, and we might be fine because the last house left him the sweets he craves. But what about the next poor family? What happens when Santa’s stumbling around your moonlight-kissed living room when the sugar craving hits. No, we don’t leave cookies and milk for Santa. We leave cookies and milk … for each other.

 

Santa is very, very real, kids. Now, off to bed before he gets here. Just like your drunk uncle, we never know which Santa we’re going to get!

 

 

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Source: Gay Voices

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